Upside Down

Life has a way of turning you upside down; a time when the blood rushes to your head and you've been spun so far and so fast you don't know which way is up and which way is down. I wrote exactly one month ago about change, change...well the change came hard and fast and so fast that I hardly had a second to breathe.
In one month's time I became an orphan. Yes, an orphan. I am still in disbelief; no matter how much you think you're prepared to lose a loved one, you're never prepared.

So here I stand at the cross roads and I'm not sure really what happened over the last month. It seems like a blur, like a nightmare that didn't really happen. I want to wake up and have my mom tell me it's okay, it was just a dream. I want to sore above it all and forgo all the pain.

Hospice called us in on Wednesday, August 25th, noting that it was soon to be the end. We gathered, all of us, 8 grandchildren, 3 of the 4 children and spouses, along with Sharon. It was a time of all of us having the opportunity to say our last goodbye. What do you say when you know it's your last time you'll be with that person? Wow. Tough day and hard to put into words. I had some time alone with dad. I told him how much I loved him. I thanked him for all the memories and advice he'd given me over the years. I told him it was okay to go and that Jesus was waiting for him.

Dad fought quite a fight. He hung on through the night and hospice called us in again Thursday morning. He had spiked a fever over night and usually that is the sign the end is near. I thought I didn't really want to be there at the end but I'm so glad that I was. It was pretty much a waiting game all day. It had really started to drag on and it was agnonizing! We continued to repeat to dad that it was okay to go.

At 5:00 pm dad's breathing had started to change, enough that it was noticeable. I was holding his hand on one side and my sister on the other side. You would think that it was the last breath and then there it was again. Quietly and slowly, he breathing slowed until it was no more.

And the Lord said, well done my good and faithful servant. And there he ran into the arms of Jesus.

The service was beautiful and very honoring of my dad. I was so proud to hear all the kind things people said about him, all the memories shared and was overwhelmed by all the love and support!! And while it was good to see people I haven't seen in ages, to hug those who also loved him, it was emotionally exhausting.
I have to say that I was and am glad to have the support of my family....

And I couldn't be where I am without my sister....

And life goes on...and I continue to remind myself that he's not in pain anymore and all week, he's been enjoying a heavenly round of golf! Life, yes, it will never be the same; it will never return to the normal that it once was. But that doesn't mean that God isn't there, holding my hand, just like I was holding my dad's. He's right there, even through the tears, even through the fears. And the winds of change continue to blow...